Gaia Community: Siona's Blog

who would you really like to get to know?

http://siona.gaia.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:45:09 GMT

You.

I'd like to get to know you, the creature sitting on the other side of the screen reading these words that were drummed out in haste by some obviously-earlier version of me.

I'd like to know what you're thinking now, and where you'll be going after your online respite is over, and what you're looking forward to. I'd like to know what you're concerned about and what regrets you've suffered in your life. I'd like to know what you need most, and what you want, and what it is you're here to give. I'd like to know where you're sitting as you read this, and what's scattered around you, and I'd like to know what connects you--what shared thread there is--with all the other 'yous' of this entry, past and present and future.

And yes, I suppose it doesn't matter; I'm not sure any human being can fully know another. Still, we can try, and still I suppose there's some delight to be had in this, that the quest for understanding can never be totally complete.

Tags: QaR, friendship, closeness, connection

where do you feel most safe?

http://siona.gaia.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 01:52:06 GMT

This is hard for me to admit, but I so rarely feel safe. I used to think I did, and then tasted, once, and fleetingly, what it was really like to feel utterly secure and at home and relaxed.

I remember nearly crying at how foreign the sensation was, how alien and strange, and at how foolish I’d been to blithely preach my imagined belief in the basic trustworthiness of the world. I realized my regular state is more akin to a child, just given to hold the most delicately ethereal bubble, worried that a forceful breath or unskilled jolt would burst it. This is what the world feels like to me–so beautiful, and so transient, and so gently and briefly entrusted to us, or rather to our briefly-lived experiences. And even though the lack of safety I feel is not some deep insecurity, even though it’s more a breathless anticipatory tension about a certain inevitable loss, it’s still hard.

There are moments, though. I feel safe when I’m held; I have an almost troublesome need for physical human contact, and an equally troublesome inability to relax into embrace. I feel safe when I’m writing; I have an inescapable need to put into words the beauty I see around me, and a parallel worry about my attempts to share being rejected or just misunderstood. I feel safe when I’m present, but this, sometimes, is the hardest thing in this world to be.

Tags: QaR, safety, security

where do you find meaning?

http://siona.gaia.com — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:23:03 GMT

Do I? This was, I'm realizing, a presumptuous question. I'm not sure I find meaning; sometimes I feel more as though I create it, and some days, I feel, I'm better at doing this than others.

And this, I'm realizing, is a presumptuous answer. Create meaning! It's true, though--I weave it from the warp of the world and the woof of experience using the shuttle of language and words, just as you do, and just as human beings have always done.

Of course, though, my own little patch of fabric is worthless on its own. What I love is sometimes stepping back to see how it fits in the tapestry of the whole. Where do I find meaning...

... here, I suppose.

Tags: QaR, meaning, life, purpose, direction

what would you like to commit to?

http://siona.gaia.com — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:56:00 GMT

The moment. I somehow seem to forget this too easily.

Tags: QaR, commitment, promise, covenant, vow

friday five of stars.

http://siona.gaia.com — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:29:48 GMT

Thank you, Jessica and Jodi, for another wonderful set of questions.

1) Do you wish on shooting stars?
Yes, though sometimes I get so captivated by their strange and fleeting beauty that I forget to make a wish for something. (This actually applies to quite a bit in my life. Oh well. :)

2) Would you like to travel to outer space?
Of course. But who is to say I don't travel there already?

3) Do you like astrology?
Very much, and for so many reasons. I like the points of comparison it offers; I like the perspective; I like the way it can connect people and point to our common human characteristics; I like how I see glimpses of myself in every sign and how laughably representative my own is.

4) If you could name a new planet, what would you call it?
Gaia.

5) Do you enjoy star-gazing?
Yes. Yes yes yes. I've never been to the Southern hemisphere, and the number one reason I want to go is to see an unfamiliar sky.

And you?

Tags: friday five, stars, astrology, stargazing, planets, space

friday five at home.

http://siona.gaia.com — Fri, 29 May 2009 20:28:30 GMT

And one more Friday Five, this one on the right date. Perhaps I should think about catching up to the rest. ;)

1) What is your favorite room in your house/ apartment?
I'm lucky in that two of my favorite rooms blend into each other—the living room and dining room and kitchen are all part of one large open area, and I can curl happily with a book on the couch while dinner is being made. My favorite rooms, then, are the living room and kitchen, for different reasons... although were I truly honest I would say that my answer changes with my moods and health. When I'm not feeling well, or when it's late, nothing compares to my bedroom.

2) Who do you feel at home with? (friends, a partner, family, a pet)
My Mark. My family. My friends. The earth. You.

3) What colors do you have in your home?
Ooh. Our house, during the day, looks muted and minimal—the walls are an unobtrusive white, with wood floors and stone countertops and black and buckskin leather furniture. At night, though... we've got an outrageous assortment of strangely colored lights tucked and inset, many of which cycle through an otherworldly spectrum, and which leave the whole place feeling like some strange underwater universe. I have all colors, though you'd never know it to look at it during the day.

I should take pictures.

4) If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
I don't know yet. I'm working on discovering the answer. :)

5) Finish this sentence in two to five words: Home is where the .....
Home is where the world is still.

And you?

Tags: friday five, home, houses, lights, family, friends

friday five of movement.

http://siona.gaia.com — Fri, 29 May 2009 15:06:45 GMT

Oh, Jessica. This one is lovely. Thank you. :)

1) Do you like walks?
I love walking. A few years ago, i lived about four miles from the place I was working, and used to walk there and back each day. I don't think I'd ever felt so deeply at peace, or comfortable, or in touch with the world. I walk still (although nowhere near so much), only because of how profoundly happy it makes my body. I think I was made to lope slowly over plains--I am all legs and long limbs and walking is pure pleasure.

2) Do you enjoy dancing? (if yes, what kind?)
Yes, although I'm sure others might laugh to see what my version looks like. Outside from a few years of childhood ballet, and a bit of modern experimentation, I've got no formal training in dance and have no idea how to even differentiate between most styles. My version of dance is informed by authentic movement. I just unleash my body for a while and go along for the ride.

3) What's your favorite thing to do for exercise?
My favorite thing is the sweet fulfillment of mere movement--whatever movement calls me. It might be walking or running or hiking or swimming or clambering or skipping or swinging or dancing. I like just to move.

4) What activities do you like to do outdoors?
Aside from basking in the sun and dancing in puddles, I like walking (again) most of all.

5) How does the sunshine make you feel?
Whole.

Your turn!

Tags: friday five, movement, walking, excerise, body, nature

if you could play any instrument, what would it be?

http://siona.gaia.com — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:24:54 GMT

My body.

I've always wanted to learn to sing; I have such admiration for those who are able to use their ribs and lungs and breath and tongue and lips and ears as some beautiful, powerful, delicate, perfect, and utterly unique instrument. My speaking voice is unobjectionable, but my poor sense of rhythm and harmony and still-present shyness
keep foiling me. One summer I will sign up for lessons. For now I will listen.

Tags: QaR, music, instrument, learning, song

what question would you liked to be asked each day?

http://siona.gaia.com — Fri, 22 May 2009 19:34:52 GMT

I like to ask questions more than I do being asked, I think.

I'd go with "What are you paying attention to?"

Or "What is alive in you?"

Or "How could you make this moment more wonderful?"

Or, best of all, perhaps, "What question would you like to be asked today?"

Something like that.

Tags: QaR, question, values, life, reminders

friday five of free time.

http://siona.gaia.com — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:24:23 GMT

I think all time is free time. But let's see...

1) Do you like to go out on the weekends or have quiet time?
Quiet time, no question. I am irrevocably introverted; for all my unquenchable adoration of people and their hearts and gifts and foibles, I have no trouble spending days (and days and days) alone. I sometimes fantasize about retiring as a lighthousekeeper or lone tender of some abandoned outpost, with nothing but an endless supply of empty books to write in.

And then I realize how much I'd miss everyone, and I change my mind.

2) Do you spend time with friends or family?
Yep. Strangers, too. I'm introverted, but sociable and outgoing.

3) What activities make you happy?
The same I've been listing in recent Q&Rs: reading; writing; listening; rambling conversations; writing, and writing, and writing. There are more, though, of course: long meandering walks; winter evenings dedicated to cooking and meals; summer afternoons to wine-tastings; hikes with no particular goal in mind; fall farmer's markets; saunas outside in the snow; road trips; bookstore excursions; travel of all sorts; taking classes; learning. My list is near endless, I think.

4) Do you have something planned for this weekend?
Yes, but loosely. I'm trying to let my weekends flow.

5) If you could go anywhere this weekend, where would you go?
Mexico. ;)

Tags: friday five, free time, time

what in your life gives you the most satisfaction?

http://siona.gaia.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:13:37 GMT

In your work (or life) what produces the highest ratio of satisfaction and abundance to amount of time spent? What do you find most rewarding?

The work that I find most satisfying is work that's without ratio; that is, the sort of work (like writing or reading or researching or listening or spending time in those sorts of perfectly flowing conversation that lead a circle deeper and deeper into itself) that is satisfying in and of itself, so there's a perfect one-to-one correlation.

Tags: QaR, genius, love, life, passions, calling

what is your unique ability?

http://siona.gaia.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 01:31:50 GMT

I wanted to answer this question mostly because of how much I love reading through the answers of others. I loved how different each were, and how pure, and how true. I wish I could ask this question of everyone on the planet, and sit with them and listen, deeply, until they found what it was.

And my unique ability? Oh, it's hard to say; I feel shy and unsure even thinking about it. But the rest of you have been brave, so I'll try.

I have the unique ability to be grateful for anything, to point to the beauty and wonder and brilliant opportunity in any situation, and to see problems as steppingstones and challenges. I have the unique ability to trust the world with an unfaltering and wholehearted beatificity, and to know with a deep and unfailing certainty that whatever happens happens for the best. I have the unique ability to, without struggle nor a second thought, see the pain and fear that flows beneath the ugly scabs of hatred and anger. I have the unique ability to hold my beliefs lightly, and with playful bemusement. I have the unique ability to see any conflict from the point of view of all involved, and to delight in each perspective. I have the unique ability to write and to describe the world with far, far, far more eloquence than either my brain or lips would betray.

And I have the unique ability to see that none of the traits I've listed are particular unique, and to be so, so relieved that this is so.

Tags: QaR, passion, gift, love, work, joy, genius

what work do you do that doesn't seem like work?

http://siona.gaia.com — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 03:03:36 GMT

Writing is work that never feels like work. I should be more specific, though; as it's not just any writing. It's writing that flows from my heart, out through my fingers, the sort of writing that feels somehow beyond me.

Mediation is work that never feels like work. I like stepping armless into the midst of conflict. I like seeing what is perfect and true on both sides, and I like finding the third side that contains, comfortably, both.

Research is work that never feels like work. I like being a hunter-gatherer of the 21st century, hacking through thickets of redundancy and noise to find what is useful and meaningful and key. I like scouring fields of information for the pertinent tidbits, and weaving them into a story of importance.

Listening is work that never feels like work. I love to turn my heart into two giant lobes, open and aching and waiting. I love to be a container for the stories of others to be poured and stirred and leavened into a richness beyond what either of us alone could hope for.

There is more, of course, much more, but this is what comes to mind right now.

Tags: QaR, work, joy, love, passion

one of my favorite poems.

http://siona.gaia.com — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:25:58 GMT

I recorded this on, and for, Earth Day, and for you.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Isn't he amazing? I love how much truth there is in this, and beauty. We are so luck to live in a world in which there are such creatures as poets.

Tags: poetry, readings, earth day, mad farmer liberation front, wendell berry, earth, life

what do you love most to do?

http://siona.gaia.com — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:21:50 GMT

This.

Or, to put it another way, whatever I happen to be focused on in that moment. What else is there?

Of course, I am only human, and of course I am often not, or usually not, focused entirely. And so I am often not present, and when I am not, I would rather be writing, preferably letters. Or reading. Or savoring coversation over glasses of wine and oceans of yet-unmade memories.

My loves all involve language and bodies and the necesary entanglement of both.

Tags: QaR, love, calling, life, work

friday five on earth.

http://siona.gaia.com — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:33:26 GMT

1) Do you like Earth Day?
Yes. Yes and yes and yes.

2) Do you like the color green?
I like true greens, or, that is, the greens of nature. I like the glass greens of the ocean and the nubbly greens of molding breads and the rich polished brilliance of newly dewed grass blades and the thick greens of pines. I like the mottled greens of apples and the green of my sweetheart's eyes. I like the greens that are just one step away from sunlight.

I don't wear much green, though; I don't like 'imitation' green. I hope that makes sense.

3) Finish this sentence: The Earth is...
The (whole) Earth is home to me.

4) Pick two to four words to describe the ocean or how you feel about the ocean.
I miss it, all the time.

5) What's one thing you like to do to help the Earth?
Only one? I like to delight in it: to dance in the rain; to bask in the sun; to run booted and mittened through the snow; to crunch through leaves; to dive unhesitatingly into summer lakes; to sit quiet and still and breathing in the midst of a thrumming forest; I like to help the Earth by living it, and to celebrate this wherever I am.

What about you?

Tags: friday five, earth, earth day, alive, living

running energy for earth day.

http://siona.gaia.com — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 05:18:19 GMT

For Earth Day, I recorded a guided meditation from a book I've been using recently (Working Inside Out, by Margo Adair). It's not long (10 minutes or so), so I do hope you'll take the ten minutes to become aware of your connection to, and relationship with, this beautiful planet.

And Happy Earth Day. :)

Tags: meditation, earth day, visualization, guided meditation, energy

a story.

http://siona.gaia.com — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 01:27:53 GMT

I love change, and I love transition, and I am happiest when things are not-nailed-down. I feel most comfortable when the world is formless with possibility, and dark and strange. I am also a bit of an anomaly.

I say this just to introduce a story that I recently rediscovered, a story that I first heard in a community building workshop, a number of years ago now. It's called Fear of Transformation, by Danaan Parry, and though it's a bit long, it's wonderful, and so true.

Here.

Fear of Transformation
Danaan Parry

Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars. I spend most of the time hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the- moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily) swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth; my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well-known bar to move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me, I hope that I won't have to grab the new one. But in that knowing place I know I must totally release my grasp on the old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new one. Each time, I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here." It's called transition. I have come to believe that this is the place where real change occurs.

I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no-thing", a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast and unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up, to avoid where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.

And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang-out" in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the place where change happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.

I wanted to share this because our whole world feels as though we're in one of these spaces, and because I love her call for us to "dwell in the place that change happens." What better way to spend one's life? What better practice?

And who knew that Gaia was really a flying circus? ;)

Tags: change, transition, life, transformation

i love ecards.

http://siona.gaia.com — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 22:14:36 GMT

And now we have our own. :)

Tags: gaia, updates, cards

friday five of food.

http://siona.gaia.com — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 20:44:02 GMT

Ooh. One of my favorite topics. Yum.

1) What did you have for breakfast?
A container of whole Greek yogurt; a grapefruit; two slices of brie; coffee.

2) Have you grown your own food?
Yes, although not recently. The last two things I "grew" were kombucha and kefir, and that was two summers ago. I need to get some more kombucha mother.

3) What is your favorite beverage?
Water. My beverage consumption is pretty much water, coffee, tea, and a wide, wide arrangement of wine. It's charmingly medieval, in some ways. ;)

4) Do you like to cook?
Yes, but I like eating more.

5) What is your favorite vegetable(s)?
Beets. Parsnips. Edamame. Butternut squash. Peppers. Daikon. Snap peas. Roasted brussels sprouts. Carrots. Yams. Kale. I actually can't think of any vegetables I don't like.

Your turn!

Tags: food, friday five, vegetables, kefir